Sarcastic Trigger Warning: Contains Sarcasm
Today is Tuesday. For a short but significant period of my life, Tuesday was the day of Tuesday Night Bible Study at Gutenberg College. It was the night of coffee in tall urns and teabags in little baskets- setting up folding chairs and sitting in the back of the crowded classroom so that I could draw or write bad poetry unobtrusively when my attention wandered.
It was a ritual, you know?
Then, came the awful change.
Tuesday Night Bible Study was moved to Wednesday. Horrors.
It caused the slightest stumble in my mind when that happened. I had to pull out some of the wires in my mind and stick them back together to get over the switch. Tuesday Night… Tuesday… Wednesday Night Bible Study!
Last week, something happened that has caused me possibly even more trouble.
Jack Crabtree, Gutenberg Tutor, began a series of lectures entitled The Ethics of Sex in the Bible.
I had heard about this lecture series. But when I looked it up and started reading about it for myself, I realized I had to start blogging about it.
I am bisexual. I have both emotionally fallen for and felt physical attraction for boys and emotionally fallen for and felt physical attraction for girls. I was raised in a very Christian home where my parents referred to our one lesbian relative as Aunt Sewer. If I go on pretending to be straight I can probably continue peaceable interactions with my family. If I break all ties and declare myself Bi I could get- I don’t know- a merit badge from the anti-Christ? A romantic partner? Peace of mind?
Boys creep me out in theory, possibly because I’m always afraid they see me as a sexbot or something. This fear I am pretty certain I got from watching commercials and reading the Books of Moses too many times before the age of 10. However, in person, I like certain ones pretty well.
There was a period of my life where the phenomena of bisexuality occurred in my life and I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t have words for it. It was like Columbus’ ships sailing up to my island, to put it into a metaphor familiar to Gutenbergers. I can testify that I did, in fact, see the ships. I just didn’t know how to talk about them. Or that there was anything to talk about.
Part of this phase was spent at Gutenberg. I can name the girls and the boys I had crushes on at Gutenberg.
There was another period in my life in which I had realized what this all meant. I was a Christian at the time. I believed that homosexuality was a sin, and that these impulses were impulses towards sin, but so what? Everyone has impulses towards sin. Some people towards greed, some towards gluttony, some towards you know, normal lust- and whatever else. As long as I didn’t act on the impulse, I could still consider myself faithful. I felt very noble and sacrificial about the whole thing.
I spent many years in this phase. I did not feel these impulses and attractions voluntarily, I thought they were sinful and that they were messing up my life. I did not feel them because I had been indoctrinated or trained into feeling them- the only experience I had was life at Gutenberg and living in a fundamentalist home/community.
Then finally has come the very recent period of my life. It’s a story for another time, but I guess I can sum up by saying that I’m no longer concerned about homosexuality being a sin.
A detail that may be important to this discussion is that I have never physically engaged in sexual activity with anyone of any gender. I don’t know that, if I continue my double life, I ever will. But I have experienced attraction towards members of both genders, and I believe it is that, and my acceptance of the fact, that earns me the title.
But most of all.
I have never
had Sex in the Bible. EW!
Get your damnation calculators running, folks. Try figuring out what percent evil I am!
I am a alumni of Gutenberg College. I would not pick on them like this if I were a stranger. I do not feel qualified to represent QUILTBAG individuals generally, I have been too isolated and know too little about ‘non-biblical’ sexualities for that.
But I can’t let this pass.
I do better with the written word than with spoken word (hence the drawing and bad poetry during Bible Study), so I am going to be following this series via the notes Mr. Crabtree has posted here:
Assuming he continues to do so after this first one.
If the handouts do not match what was said in the lecture, that is not my fault. And they, just as much as the live stream, are open to the general public. It seems worthwhile to me to respond to the Handout as a separate entity, and it is to the general public that I present my take on them.
And with that, let the games begin!