The Canaanite Prize. We wants it, precious.

Last time JM explained to us, with a story, what the Canaanite Prize is.

It’s when he blames other people for things they had nothing to do with!

I mean…

It’s when some one disagrees with his general position and he doesn’t like it and pretends that he is able to read so that he can say that the Bible says something on the subject!

I mean…

It’s when… young people…. leave… his subculture… publicly?

So far all of these definitions seem to describe what he called the Canaanite Prize, and I myself am a little confused, but I haven’t forgotten about the copy of the Divine Comedy he promised to the winner.

I want it. I want it real bad.

So. If I am to have any hope of winning this prize, I had better figure out more specifically what qualifying characteristics a winner must have. And we’re in luck! After butchering the story of Noah and Ham, he spends the entire rest of his article listing off characteristics of the ‘Canaanite.’ Its a little difficult to follow him here, because apparently having all of the sentences in a paragraph relate to the same topic isn’t part of his religion, BUT I count somewhere between 11 and 14 characteristics.

Roughly halfway through the list, JM explains how many characteristics of a ‘Canaanite’ he is describing in the article.


Shall we begin?

1) We are speaking of ‘first world problems.’ Kids not allowed to listen to Michael Jackson… Dungeons and Dragons… R-rated movies… evolution…

He seems to be using the phrase ‘first world problem’ symbolically, to refer to the fact that, while they were not denied food- a third world problem and presumably a legitimate complaint- they were subject to strict information control in their families of origin.

How does this work? Everything from popular music to textbooks is carefully censored and edited to give the young baptists/fundamentalists-to-be the impression that there IS NO WORLD outside the confines of their parents’ whims and opinions, and if anything DOES exist, it is frightening, dangerous, and pitiably stupid.

If you attempt to leave- YOU WILL FALL OFF THE EDGE OF THE EARTH.

-Micheal Jackson’s music? Forbidden! It contains references to sex and sexuality! A single exposure to it will corrupt your mind, force you to commit adultery RIGHT THEN AND THERE and render you permanently DEFILED in the eyes of God and Man.

(And even worse… there’s… DANCING. 0_o)

-Fantasy games like Dungeons and Dragons? FORBIDDEN!!! There might be DEMONS living in the cards! They might EAT YOUR SOULS. Not even JESUS- not even the HOLY GHOST (Under Who’s Hovering Wings The Visible Universe Was Birthed Out of Water) and Their Indwelling Presences In Your Heart are powerful enough to protect you from a life of slavery to DEMONS if you play with fantasy card games! Or even TOUCH the cards! Or even LOOK at them!

Let us all kneel and pray to be saved from Dungeons and Dragons, RIGHT NOW, children.

-Basic scientific facts about the world we live in, such as evolution? NEVER!! That might provoke the thought that anything other that a mindlessly literal interpretation of the Bible is possible.

And if any other way of reading the Bible is allowed, it would probably turn out to be WRONG to communally execute gay people by throwing rocks at them until their heads crack open!! OH NOES!!!

To be perfectly honest, censorship of this sort is not a problem normally encountered by denizens of the first world.

Its normally found in places like North Korea.

Or M. Knight Shyamalan’s The Village.

The North Koreans have it easy though. They aren’t living scattered across the face of America, surrounded by living visible contradictions to what they say. JM’s subculture is. And they still attempt to pull it off.

Impressive, no?

For what its worth- Steven Alan Hassan (who can both count and write an outline) of The BITE Model of Cult Mind Control lists information control as one of the 4 pillars upon which cults’ control of their members rests.

You can read all about this here.

It has to do with a thing called plausibility structure. What any given person instinctively responds to as plausible or implausible depends on the sum total of the information they have access to.

Aka- is it possible that demons will eat my soul if I touch a playing piece from a nerd game?

To a person raised on Frank Peretti and the Bible and denied any other information about the universe, it will seem possible that this will happen.

To a person with a basic education… it will seem a lot less likely.

Control the information a person has access to, and you can control the shape of the universe they believe they are moving it.

Control the shape of the universe they believe they are moving in- and you can control where and when they move.

God. What whiners these Canaanites are. Wanting access to information we don’t authorize. Sheesh.

JM ends this paragraph by mocking the sense of dislocation felt by those brought up in such an environment upon leaving.

They tell the tales of the childhoods of millions of young people to secular folk in the same breathless manner that the National Geographic used to write of African tribal culture. ”You cannot believe what these people do and believe!”

Well, yes. Considering that the childhoods of these millions of young people were spent with a set of rules conceived of in the Bronze Age as the only safe or worthy topic of thought, this isn’t surprising.

Most African tribes moved on to the use of iron.


Now. Here’s the important part of this. Do I, personally, qualify?!?

Yes! I do! My parents home schooled me to protect me from evil science classes. Any radio stations other than the two Christian ones were forbidden. Internet access (when we finally got it) was located in a main traffic pattern in a house inhabited by 10 people. And we lived out in the middle of the country, far from any other people/kids who might let slip non-approved information. And were mostly not allowed to go out of the line of sight from the house. Even when we were adults. In case a stranger happened to drive past and rape us with his car.

There was one deviation from JM’s description though. We were allowed to watch R-rated movies. If the R-rating was for violence anyway. An R for anything else was Verboten like everything else, but violence? Murder? People being hacked to pieces or blown up or impaled?

That was A-Okay.

Tune in next time- for the laughable pathetic Canaanite trait of wanting to expose hypocrisy!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s